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Definition

August 26, 2012

So I’ll start with the basics… Last week’s weigh in had been a little disappointing, with a .4 pound gain placing me at 249.3 pounds. I think it was an artificially high number that didn’t really reflect my actual progress, as I was having some digestion issues at the time. That was confirmed when I stepped on the scales Friday for this week’s weigh in. 245.6 pounds this week!!!!! That’s a 3.7 pound loss from last Friday, and a 13.0 pound loss since I restarted this journey in July! Overall, from my estimated highest weight of 315 pounds a few years back this is now a total loss of 69.4 pounds, and I’m only 10.4 pounds above my absolute lowest weight of 235.2 from a couple of years ago!!!

Needless to say, I’m very excited about my progress and feeling like I’m on track to potentially meet my next goal of getting to 235 before my birthday on October 30! I won’t lie; the numbers on the scale are important. However, there are other important things along this journey, too, that both motivate you to keep going and give you confidence in the here and now. For me, one of those things is when I begin to notice actual changes in my body.

I will never forget the morning a couple of years ago when I discovered my collar bones for the first time! This sounds so silly for a grown man to say, but

having been obese my entire adult life (as well as much of my later childhood), they’d always been covered up! I still distinctly remember getting ready to leave home that morning, and brushing my teeth in front of the bathroom mirror, when I glanced up into the mirror and noticed my rather defined collar bones prominently on display!

I had a similar experience just a couple of days ago that really helped keep my motivation going and keep my efforts invigorated. I was sitting on the couch the other night, with my legs crossed, and my left hand resting on my outer thigh. I guess, I moved my left leg, and all the sudden, I felt the unmistakable contraction of a sizable muscle in my outer thigh! Sounds silly right? This happens anytime that any of us move any body part, right? Right. But when you’ve been covered by a layer (or layers) of fat, you really become out of touch with the functioning part of your body that’s underneath that exterior shell.

I moved my leg back and forth, and realized that I actually had a lot of definition in those muscles of my upper leg! It was kind of an out of body experience, like feeling a baby move in a pregnant woman’s belly, or some strange animal move in a way that seems foreign to you. And I liked it!!! At least in my outer thighs, the fat was finally gone enough to expose what was underneath! There are other parts of my body that still are trying be stealthy and fly under the radar by hiding beneath adipose tissue, but I realize now that my efforts are paying off once again! I’m chiseling away at this shell that has been with me far too long, and I’m showing the definition of the real Chad who lies beneath.

And as that definition below begins to show, I’ve found that you also can’t help but assess the bigger definition of who you are. I believe most people who have been quite obese have a reason they have been more comfortable shielding themselves from the world outside with a self-imposed wall of fat, than in living confidently and openly. For me, the biggest part of that was my sexuality, which I hid from for many years. But now as an openly gay, confident man, I still feel that I’m continuing to expose other aspects of my self-definition as I get more and more comfortable with my true self, and uncover who I really am. A big part of that is physical right now, as my physical transformation continues. But even with my sexuality dealt with, there are other more interior aspects of my definition that I feel I’m still uncovering as I gain confidence through this entire journey. I give more thought now to where my life is going… Professionally, personally, spiritually, in relationships with others and society. What is my purpose? What can I accomplish? How will I make a difference?

The definition of who I really am is being uncovered still, in more ways than one.

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