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Ending the Year by Closing a Chapter

December 31, 2012
My "too big" wardrobe - ready for donation to a charity helping Atlanta's LGBT youth.

My “too big” wardrobe – ready for donation to a charity helping Atlanta’s LGBT youth.

Today was the greatest day yet of this weight loss journey.  To begin, I weighed this morning, as I do everyday, and I was at my lowest weight yet of my adult life: 221.8 pounds.  A 93+ pound loss from my highest weight of about 315!!!  It’s not an “official” Friday weigh-in for me, but I’ll take it.  So I decided that as I finish up my holiday vacation from work, I’d use part of the day to do something I’ve known for a while now that I should do – clean out my closet and dresser.

I knew I needed to do this for a couple of reasons.  First, I needed to get the clothes that I wore t my higher weights out of my house.  As long as they’re available to me, there is a safety net of sorts in my mind.  The idea that if I were to balloon back up to a higher weight, at least it wouldn’t require great expense, as I’d have a built-in wardrobe to fall back on.  This…is incredibly flawed thinking.  Getting rid of that safety net of “fat clothes” is an acknowledgement and proclamation to yourself that you HAVE changed your life, and that change is here to stay.  NO TURNING BACK!

The other reason I needed to do this is that I had a ton of perfectly good, and actually really nice, clothes that were going unused.  There are plenty of people out there who are on hard times for one reason or another that could be putting these clothes to use as opposed to having them hang in my closet as an unhealthy mental block to my total reconstruction.  As I began trying everything on and sorting everything in piles of what to donate and what to keep, I was overtaken with a completely irrational fear.  What if I were to lose my job/get sick/otherwise fall on hard times and end up homeless?  I might need these clothes, if for no other reason than to use as blankets to keep myself alive when I would undoubtedly be living in a cardboard box under the interstate with all my belongings in a hijacked shopping cart!

Again…flawed thinking.  I mean, I’m sure I’d be able to find a shelter or two if my parents and friends had totally sickened of me, and my law degree overqualified me for a career in fast food.  So these massively big frocks of mine could likely be replaced if need be somewhere down the line.  And giving them away could only be good karma if that nightmare scenario were to ever actually come to pass.  And as I got over that little bout of crazy, I had the idea to track down a local charity that works with homeless gay youth to get these clothes into really good hands.  This would allow me to give back to members of my own community who may have encountered a much harder time than me with their families, and that felt awesome.

I had a size XXL sweater I bought on Fifth Avenue in NYC just last February.  I LOVE that sweater, and it is all kinds of fabulous.  It actually isn’t hugely too big for me, but it is a little baggy.  As I struggled over which pile to put it in for a minute or two, an image came to mind of a gay teenager, possibly put out by his parents because of his sexuality, bouncing around to stay with friends and make it through high school, and absolutely no money to spend on frivolities like cowl neck sweaters.  I thought about how hard that would be, and how maybe, just maybe, a second-hand sweater might bring a little brightness to an otherwise really horrific time in his life.  I folded up the sweater, kissed it, and put it in the donate pile, and it was all ridiculously easy from that point forward.

Combine that with the feeling of trying on these clothes that used to fit me (or even were tight in some cases!) and realizing they were massively too big for me now, and the feeling was beyond euphoria!  Wrapping shirts and jackets around me in a way that you see on those massive weight loss segments on the Kathie Lee and Hoda hour of the Today show just didn’t get old!  Not for the whole three hours I did it.  Putting on pants that simply fell off of me, and holding up belts that reached from the floor to my ear lobes on my 5’10” frame was sheer fun!

Today, with the close of 2012, I also closed a chapter in my life for once and for all.  The fat chapter.  I have a bit left to lose, but I’m no longer where I was.  Good riddance.



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